The Peeves Book Collection
by CherryCoke
Summary: Peeves attempts to write books
1. A History of Hogwarts

**A History of Hogwarts: Peeves Style!**

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**Peeves wandered around the school aimlessly, wreaking havoc wherever he went. Peeves is a Poltergeist, and he LOVES playing jokes on people, being a pest, and grabbing people's noses and yelling GOT YOUR CONK! This character does NOT seem to be the type to write a book, and certainly not a history book! But its true, he wrote: "A History of Hogwarts: Peeves Style!" This is Peeves' book:**

**One day four weirdoes came to a place. Their names were Salazar Slytherin, Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Helga Hufflepuff. They decided to build something. Unfortunately, they were dumb enough to build a school, of all things! Then they started training little firstie wizards to be wizards. They did that for a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. But then I came to school. I caused the most trouble in Hogwarts history! But one day I was chasing some baby first year down the stairs and fell down, rolled, hit a suit of armor, and then, I died! My ghost stayed there. Lots of booooooooooooooring stuff happened and I was the best thing that happened to the school. Then three idiots came and took my place. I chucked chalk at them whenever I could. Then I found out Old Lady (McGonagall) had a closet full of JUST CHALK! Then when James, Sirius and Remus came near me, I chucked chalk at them at seventy miles an hour! Then they left and Old Lady ran out of chalk. More boring stuff happened. And then, one day, came the biggest loser I have ever seen! His name was Gilderoy Lockhart, and he claimed he did all this stuff. Then I found out Old Lady refilled her chalk stash, and there was more chalk then before! I started chucking chalk at the Baby (Lockhart) and he started crying and cowering in the corner! Sucker! Then people started to get attacked, and I invented the best song that Hogwarts has ever seen! It went:**** Potter, you rotter! What have you done? You're killing off students and you think its great fun! Then the worst thing happened. Old Man (Dumbledore) hired a new Bore (professor) and it was one of the idiots! He even made bubble gum shoot up my nose when I was just innocently filling Dumbo's (Filch's) closet lock with gum! Then I went back to pelting people with chalk. Did you know chalk is the perfect thing to use to draw moustaches on the paintings? Then a bunch of stuff happened, and then the END!!! **

Peeves would like to add that you stink.

We would like to warn you that when you open Peeves' book you get sprayed with water.

Peeves would like to add that in the end of his book he becomes headmaster.

We would like to add that if that happens, there would no longer be a school to go to.

Peeves would like to say that we are lying.

We would like to say are not!

Peeves would like – AHHHHHH!

"Peeves would like to chuck calk at you!" said Peeves menacingly.

# END

**Disclaimer: Everything is J.K. Rowling's. Not mine. **

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**And do not blame me if a piece of chalk flies through your monitor and hits you in the face.**

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**Should I continue with Peeves' book? Y/N in review.**

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**Please Review! I would like to know how I am doing as a writer.**


	2. Quidditch Through the Ages

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Quidditch through the Ages: Peeves Style!

Peeves is a poltergeist. Not your average book-writing character. But Peeves does write books. This is his second one. **WARNING!** Peeves' books are considered highly dangerous and extremely fictional. Don't use this book for a report. When you open this book, vinegar sprays in your face. This is Peeves' second book:

Once a loooooooong time ago a bunch of messed-up guys started to fly on their brooms. Then one guy picked up a ball. It flew around. AMAZING! 

Then he started to hit the ball through these hoops that appeared out of nowhere. Then he invited his friends.

They all picked up balls and flew around hitting balls, seeking snitches, bludging bludgers and being goalkeeper. 

That is how Quidditch was made. **END**

Peeves would like to add that his book comes with a free Quidditch set.

We would like to warn you: DON'T USE PEEVES' FREE QUIDDITCH SET!

Peeves would like to ask: Why?

We would like to say; Because the tester is being chased around the room on her broom by a bludger, with her hands stuck to the snitch, the quaffles smell like… you don't want to know, and she has been screaming for the last 2 hours and 23 minutes. Make that 24.

Peeves would like to add: You're making that up!

We would like to apologize for Peeves' rude behavior and the shortness of this book.

Peeves would like to add: I AM NOT rude!

We would like to add: The reason Peeves' book is so short is because there is only one word on each page.

Peeves would like to add: It makes it a lot longer, though!

We would like to add: Please take note of these warnings and read the whole "Peeves book Collection" with GREAT care.

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DIsClAiMeR: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling.

HeLp! I need ideas for the rest Of "Peeves Book Collection" ideas pLeAsE iN rEvIeW! Please? _PLEASE REVIEW!!!_


	3. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them!

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: Peeves Style ****

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: Peeves Style!

Peeves is your average poltergeist: mischievous, annoying, and downright useless. He does not seem to be a book writing character. And yet, it seems that this is his third book. But take WARNING!!! Peeves' books are considered highly dangerous. 

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: Peeves Style!

Key: 

* = Pointless

** = Tame-able

*** = Dangerous

**** = Deadly

***** = Insane

*~*~* = Cool

Acromantula * 

A big, hairy spider with lots of legs. Dangerous to wizards but I can beat them blindfolded! Muahahahaha!

Basilisk *

A big, slithering snake thing that Potter let out. It freezes anything it looks at, but not me! I sent it right back to where it belongs! (But first I let it eat Professor McGonagall) 

CherryCokeadon *****

Man, this thing's insane! It sits in front of the computer all day and reads and writes fanfictions. I'm the only one who can give it ideas!

Dragon *

A big, fire-breathing lizard that is about ten times too large. Extremely dangerous to wizards, but really, they're too easy to beat. 

Erumpent *

A gray beast that looks like a rhino. They kill tons of wizards, but man, I ride them in rodeos and win all the time!

Fwooper *

An annoying bird that just sits and sings all day until whoever is dumb enough to listen to them turns mad! I am the only one with the remedies to keep one from turning insane.

Griffin *

This thing that is part eagle and other part lion. They look fierce, but I'm known across the world for capturing and taming them.

Hippogriff *

It's got this head of a bird and body of a horse. They're known for being fierce, but I own a ranch all-the-way in Arizona full of them that couldn't hurt a fly if they tried.

Idiot-icus ****

There are many species of Idiot-icus. There is the sinister James Potter, the vicious Sirius Black, the impossible Remus Lupin, and the horrid Peter Pettigrew. These are the only creatures ever to do better pranks than I do… change that, they _almost_ can do better pranks than I do. 

Jarvey *

It is an over-grown weasel. It talks to people- did I mention rudely? I own hundreds of these. I put them all in Old Lady's storage closet after _another_ stash of chalk went out. She hasn't opened it lately, and neither has Dumbo… (P/N: Refer to "A History of Hogwarts: Peeves Style!" to find out who Old Lady and Dumbo are)

Kelpie *

A thing that can turn into a horse. It has killed more wizards then can be counted, but I own them on my Hippogriff Ranch along with my Hippogriffs. They are pointless.

Lethifold *

This thing that looks like a cloth. It suffocates and kills a whole lot of wizards, but my shirt is made out of a Lethifold!

Manticore *

It's got a head of a human, body of a lion, and a tail like a scorpion. It's really dangerous- to wizards, that is! Not only am I immune to their sting, but I am also known world-wide for saving villages from Manticores' wrath.

Nundu *

This beast looks like a leopard. It is huge, and is probably the most dangerous beast in the world- to wizards! I keep and tame them to be my pets!

Occamy *

This thing looks a lot like a bird. It attacks lots of wizards and is very aggressive, but I capture them _all_ the time. 

Poltergeist *~*~*

These things are the coolest! They play funny pranks, are really smart, and of course, write the absolute _best_ books! I am, of course, a Poltergeist! 

Quintaped *

This spider is also called the Hairy MacBoon. It is all hairy. They are really, really, dangerous. But I made sure they never harmed anybody by destroying them all! 

Runespoor *

They are snakes with three heads. They can be extremely dangerous, but I capture and tame them!

Sphinx *

This thing has a head of a woman and body of a lion. These things can be smart and make up hard riddles, but I am _smarter_ and I am known nation-wide for cracking their riddles!

Troll *

These things are huge, smelly, over-sized humans. They are ugly, stupid, and carry a _club_ as their weapon! I always keep trolls from smashing people's houses.

Unicorn *

These are horses with horns sticking out of their heads. They are hard for wizards to catch, but I catch and tame them! I even had some on my Hippogriff Dude Ranch! (But they ran away.)

Werewolf *

These things are humans that transform into bloodthirsty wolves at the full moon. They attack humans, and then the humans who got bitten turn into werewolves. I protect people from werewolf attacks all the time!

Yeti *

This is also a big hairy thing, just like a troll. But these live in cold places and are afraid of fire. I make sure they do not attack anybody by placing fire everywhere!

END!

Peeves: My book comes with a free stuffed animal!

Us: Oh, no! What animal is it?

Peeves: A troll.

Us: A troll?! 

Peeves: It's very realistic. It looks just the same, feels just the same, and even smells just the same!

Us: Don't touch the stuffed troll if you know what's best for you!

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is J.K. Rowling's, though Peeves' Dude Ranch belongs to me.

PLEASE!!! R/R!!! J

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	4. 1000 Magical Fungi: Peeves Style!

**1000 Magical Fungi: Peeves Style!**

We are not going to warn you again. Peeves' books are a public health risk. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

            This is a book about 1000 magical fungi, minus 995. Yes, you will learn about 5 magical fungi!! So… read on to find out!

Magical fungi number one:

Mushrooms. These things look like umbrellas. Yes, and that's about all there is to say about them.

**Us: Peeves, mushrooms are NOT fungus!**

Peeves: Well I think they are. Let me finish my story, if you would!!

Grass: It's green and smells funny.

**Us: Peeves! You're supposed to write about fungi when you write about fungi! Grass is NOT a fungus either!**

Peeves: Is it green?

Us: Yes… what are you getting at? 

Peeves: Does it grow outside?

Us: Yes… 

Peeves: Then it's a fungus. Let me continue, I still have some chalk left!! As I was saying…

Moss: It's green. See "lichen."

**Us: Uhh, Peeves, sorry to interrupt again, but aren't you supposed to be talking about _rare_ and _magical_ fungi?**

Peeves: These are all _rare _and_ magical _fungi!! Let me continue or you will be sorry…

Lichen: See "moss."

Urbyylebaauaocrdlequmypmbzumpfniddlep: A rare and beautiful fungi of the Urbyyle family. The awe of botanists everywhere, it's amusing tactics of sliding around is an amazing spectacle for a fungus. Found in the Arctic regions, Canada, and other northern areas, it shimmers radiantly, causing a spectacle known commonly as (by muggles) the "Northern Lights."

Peeves: And you can grow your own grass too with my "Grass Growing for Geniuses" starter kit!

**Us: Ummm…. Peeves…**

Peeves: …and it includes grass seeds, dirt, water, good sunlight…

Us: Peeves, I don't think… 

Peeves: What already?!

**Us: Oh, never mind.**

**Please review I love feedback! **And besides I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when someone says something nice about Mr. story…  

:^)

P.S. desperate for ideas. Someone help me!


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